Not sure how this worked out, but it did

We had teacher conferences last night.  Our first one was with Charlotte's teacher, Mrs. B.  I had a couple email conversations with her and also a couple in-person ones when I chaperoned the field trip and when I showed up for the 3rd Grade Halloween party.  I knew how fond she was of Charlotte so I thought things would go pretty well.  Mrs. B is an exceptional teacher.  During Iowa tests, she would tell the kids "I just love you so much and don't want you to feel any stress."  Or, "these tests are only a report card for your school.  it does not matter how you do."  I mean, someone who finally gets how useless standardized tests are?!  Oh, how I longed for this day.  Mrs. B is just amazing.  And what is incredible to me is that she thinks my kid is amazing.  She said "Charlotte makes me stop and remember what is important...to be kind, to work hard, to be happy."   She said Charlotte always puts in the best effort and said she had basically nothing to critique her on.  We discussed her reading...since Charlotte did have some tutoring in first grade and last summer.  She's right on track.  Her writing?  It is evolving as it should.  Charlotte also loves math and makes no secret about it to us or to Mrs. B.  Mrs. B actually said she "feels blessed" to have Charlotte in her class.  Yes, my eyes welled up during out 15 minute time slot, several times.


Then, it was onto middle school. All the teachers were sitting at tables in the gym for optional check ins.  We walked in and were greeted by the school principal.  I am not a fan of hers.   I have gotten conflicting information from her.  To be fair, she seems to try her best but she comes off as phony and a coverer of the ass which maybe is the MO for all principals, but I think we can do better.  Especially at $350/month per kid.  We got our religious ed envelope and Lance was friendly with her and we walked on to the center waiting chars surrounded by a perimeter of teachers.   First, we went to see Mrs. F.  She is a very strict math teacher whose reputation precedes her.  Natalie is afraid of her.  I've heard that kids that come out of SMG are typically very prepared for freshman year, especially in math.  I say, keep doing what you are doing.  She told us that Natalie does very good work and is quiet (?!-translation: afraid of her) and then she refreshed herself on the grade she gave her (an A-) and confirmed that she's doing very well.  I chatted with the Spanish teacher a bit...doing well, received A.  We then stopped over by her homeroom/creative writing/lit teacher who told us that Natalie is "an awesome kid, an awesome student."  She is enthusiastic and works hard and takes a small idea and turns it into a creative story and is his go-to for information on anything related to Greek Mythology and always has a smile on her face.  I thanked him for helping guide her in one of life's most valuable skills (which I haven't mastered), writing.  He agreed it was a very valuable skill.  Our last stop was at the table of history teacher, Mr. R.  Mr. R once told Charlotte on teacher swap day that he knew some people from FDL with our (odd, from the old country) last name.  C was thrilled since she has had the burden of a phonetically incorrect LONG last name, along with a nine letter first name.  So, Mr. R told us that when Natalie first started Kindergarten, he was waiting to ask if we knew the R families he knew from FDL.  They were neighbor's, as Mr R described, "good Catholics."  Haha.  No doubt, this is why Lance, his mom, dad, etc. had no knowledge of these people with the same, obscure family name.  My in laws were more of the scam artist persuasion than anything having to do with Catholics.  Plus, Lance's dad blamed his rough, abusive childhood on his dad and mom's affiliation with the C church.  Yes, there is a thread of victim mentality that runs through the in laws, even today.  Not that Lance's in laws are anything to model but seriously...  So, Mr. R then went on to ask us about Natalie's love for Greek Mythology and said they will be studying Indian culture next and then on to Roman empire (which Natalie also loves) and just loves Natalie's hard work and enthusiasm and told us to keep up the good work.    Natalie loves history and said earlier this year she is thinking of majoring in history.  Thank YOU, Mr. R.


So, L and me.  How did we manage to birth these two solid learners with a strong moral compass. I mean, I am not one of those people who can comfortably rewrite history...I was a horrible student.  I had no teachers who inspired me.  I had a mentally ill PE teacher who was also my volleyball coach and she loathed me.  She really was mentally ill...she was committed when I was a freshman in high school.  I had a second grade teacher who I was so afraid of that I waited uncomfortably for about a half hour until I went into the third grade for my reading group to tell that teacher I had to throw up and then promptly did.  Unfortunately, the third grade teacher had left the next year when I would have had her full time.  I controlled my vomit to avoid the pyscho, ex nun I had for second grade who used to belittle and call me names. There were random teachers I liked but no one who I really felt inspired by or that they were at all invested in me.  I liked English so those teachers were always tolerable.  PE teachers typically hated me and my loving aunt Mary Beth told me (she majored in PE) was that PE teachers do not like students who aren't athletic.  MB always gave me great affirmations throughout my life...like when she told me not to become part of the statistic my friends and I came up with (10% of the girls in the KHS class of '87 became pregnant).  I mean, obviously, people really believed in me growing up!  I did not have the balls to tell my lovely aunt that me and my one friend were in the VC (virgin club) unlike the rest of our little clique of 12 more promiscuous seniors.  My parents tried to send me to flight attendant school even though I wanted to and did go to college.  I saw them not provide the assistance to my older, smarter brother who was in college at the time but had to take at least a year off b/c my parents pulled the rug out from under him so I pretty much knew my average self would be funding my own college experience.  This was despite the fact that my dad threatened to pull his (ultimately non existant) financial support if I took a higher paying life guard job in my high school hometown over the small town he made us move to (and almost made me go to school in) my senior year. 


Lance had it a little better.  He was the baby of the family and his mom, when she wasn't sleeping in while he got his second grade self off to school, doted on him during her waking hours.  He was a pretty good student and in his "autobiography" project for sixth grade, he quoted his mom as saying he was a "perfect specimen."  So he has a more positive inner dialog than I do but still...shady at times.  One time, we were attending a wedding of some guy who dropped out of our high school.  This fine young man's drunk dad came up to Lance at the wedding and grabbed him by the yoke, accusing him of making his kid a loser by teaching him how to grow pot at the age of 10.  Yeah, that was a classy night.  So, the kids do get the smarts from L and maybe my latent brain capabilities that were dormant under the crazy house I grew up in (my dad used to call us names all the time..."you are such a round head" (never did figure out what this meant) or "you are the dumbest" and my mom used to expect me to be her mother's helper to the more adored younger kids.  It was, with her, kind of an introduction to mean girl interactions, really.  The pictures I took with the working camera I bought were never good enough for her. Missy was playing with matches and almost burned down our house that Troy had to be rescued from and, despite my mom and I both being home, somehow this was my 12 year old self's fault?  It was crazy.  Hard to identify as a good person much less a smart one.


There is also the athleticism.  Natalie is showing major skills in volleyball, basketball, soccer and any sport she tries really.  This is much to the chagrin of the typical, competitive parochial school parent along with those who think their tiny 10 year old will yield them a Division 1 scholarship.  Charlotte has been doing cartwheels and full splits since Kindergarten and also is lauded for her soccer abilities.  She is starting bball in January.  This makes more sense.  Lance's bro Kim did receive the only full ride athletic scholarship KHS was ever offered for one of their students to UW well before my time there and still to this day (1972 was the year, I believe).  He did blow it spectacularly and spent years in a drug and alcohol fueled victimhood mode (which his family also echoed) so I did have to get Lance excited about sports and the genes he gave his kids.  Lance also was very impressive the one year he committed to the football team and probably was the best volleyball player at the multitude of games we played at our hs grad parties.  So, those genes are more direct than my bench warmin' high school basketball year.


I am so grateful to God for Natalie and Charlotte and whatever combination we came up with that made them who they are.  I know my parents didn't have very many good interactions with my teachers at conferences as I was often grounded post conference.  We are truly blessed to have these two amazing kids.  I am abundantly grateful and pray for their continued grace and well being.  Thank you, God!

What I really want to say...

What I really want to say is that I am so proud to be Natalie and Charlotte's mom.  Natalie, with athletic skills I don't possess and fearless on the volleyball court... growing into a confident tween so quickly.  Charlotte, with athletic skills I don't possess and a tireless, fearless soccer player despite her somewhat insane coach and a myriad of other people who I have to bite my tongue for, keeps her cool...always.  They want to do their own thing, but still seek my guidance.  Natalie's homework is getting intense, and she follows the rules.  She does work ahead of time and is very conscientious.  Charlotte works hard and with a confidence I don't recall ever having at her age.


They are amazing.

Yesterday, you went to camp

We took the girls off to their first sleepover camp, ever.  It's just two nights...a mini session for the sisters.  When we got there, we discovered there was another set of sisters there and they aren't always the nicest classmates.  I hope and pray that you are having fun, and learning and growing and that the mean girls have turned a new leaf over the summer.  I SO wish I could make life easier in this regard, or tell you that mean girls grow up to be nice and this is just a phase.


You are learning life lessons. 


All I know is that you cannot control others.  Good manners and good listening will get you far.


And daddy is pretty worried.  He wished he would have snuck that cell phone in your bags, or at least the Ipod for texting.  Both are frowned upon at camp.


We haven't gotten an email and my server is blocking the photo site.


We will see you tomorrow afternoon at 4:30.   And be anxious until that moment, hopefully unnecessarily.   


We close on our house in four days.


We go to St Germain in six days!


17 more days until school starts!  It will be a good year for both my girls...we will will it to be. 

the madness

My husband is shaming me in front of the kids (he loves to do this).  This time, it's about fruit flies and a clean house.  As I was scrubbing the nooks and crannies behind the counter that never get reached in an attempt to cover all surfaces, he walked by and said "I think I need to hire a cleaning lady."  WTF.  My choices are to react (and I've done this, sadly) or ignore and show the kids the high road (or show them a passive mama).


He does the wash like a factory worker.  And he bitches the whole time.  I still remember when we moved into our first place and he moved on from coin-op machines.  He pushed his way into laundry duty.  The problem is, the laundry never seems to get done until I get in there to cover it.  Still, he walks around like some martyr victim who has to do laundry.


They all act like victims.  His brother who lost his full ride scholarship in 1973 to play football at UW...well that was the fault of sports.  The fact that he was on a cocaine binge and got into a physical fight with a coach has nothing to do with it.  The poor estranged spouses that riddle his family...it's all their ex's fault. 


How do I fight this?  The girls are still smart and caring and interested but WTF am I going to do with this ongoing BS that I will never, ever stop?  I've suggested he think globally...real issues, lack of clean water, violence in the middle east affecting innocent families, etc.  All to no avail.  It's a singular mind he was raised, on the compound, where the whole world is at fault.  There is no undoing of that.


He is also very good at making it look like he is doing all the household work and I am just with this job that requires travel 6 times a year and woe is him has to pick up the kids at school with the mom out of town.  I had to work, we needed the income. It's like the mommy wars in our own household.  His job allows him to work two hour days if he wants, or skip out all together. 


I can't do this anymore.  There is no rhyme or reason and there certainly aren't going to be any winners. 

Gratitude

I am grateful for my girls' feet.  They had the best, most edible baby feet that I miss.  But when they are peeking out from under the covers when we walk in the am, I still feel it.  Charlotte tells Lance when her preferred method of morning wake up is a feet tickle, or something else.

About the joy

I have a hard time sustaining a positive mood these days.  Some of it may be due to the depression I know I've suffered since I was a teen, but some of it are circumstances outside of me.  In either case, I am not in control quite yet.


We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake.  The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot.  I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one.  25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking. 


We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives.  Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories.  I love this hike.  And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward.  I didn't this time...feet only.  We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia.  Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one.  But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.


A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.


I feel guilt a lot.  Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7.   When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things.   I want to let go of all of this, for them. 


Dear God.  Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.

Gratitude

Oh, gratitude, I need you now.  I have been on hiatus, obviously.   And that has not helped.


I am grateful for old friends like the ones I met up with last night.  Karen is now in town from Chicago and Tracy came up from St. Simons Island.  We sat on the terrace with our kids and I got a really nice photo of Charlotte and Jessica on the big union chair.  I am grateful for connections.  And for where we are now, with our families, evolved from the days of finals and papers and crazy college goings on.


Look at these two!  Precious!!




And, my firstborn...still full of a spirit we will never stifle.  Stay spirited Natalie!

8 is great!

My baby turned eight on Monday.  I had to travel this week (am in MA right now) but I was fortunate enough to be home on Monday and Tuesday and spent the days with the girls.


Charlotte is really an amazing kid.  I have learned so much from her.  I have learned to forgive and let things go when I instinctually would just go in with my assumptions and question people and things.  She rolls with things and sticks up for herself as well.  She is growing in confidence and is smart.  She overcame some reading delays in first grade and did a stellar job in second grade.  She is a growing reader and was so pleased with herself upon getting 100s on most of her spelling tests.  She would love to have a little sibling and dotes on her little cousins.  She is so kind.


She is fearless on the soccer field.  She works hard at gymnastics.  She loves her sister and gets sad when she's sad.  She has a lot of empathy, like when a classmate broke her leg two weeks ago...she wanted to see her and help and just be there. 


I am so incredibly blessed to have a daughter like her.   She is truly one of a kind.  My love for her and her sister is fierce.  I hpe to raiser her to be happy, healthy, whole and to always be true to herself.  I love her amazing spirit.

Gratitude

I am grateful for the opportunity to work in the Radiation Oncology QA field.  It's easier to be a sales rep/account manager when you are a part of a solution.  Even though some of the politics and internal craziness and time away from home bugs me, there is a good and real truth behind this work.

Maya - from the web

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.*
Maya Angelou has passed and I'm left with a feeling of deep sadness but also with gratitude. Reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings as a young person had a profound impact on me, as she wrote about things I'd never experienced and yet I was the same age as those in the book. Like all of her work, it challenged me, expanded my mind and was relatable and yet unknowable.
To see her speak was to see a woman with such presence, such depth - the embodiment of dignity and inner strength. She commanded attention - when she spoke you simply couldn't look away.
Her legacy is strong and shall provide inspiration for years to come, as she was both a woman of her time and also timeless.
She has spoken and written so many important words, but here are 10 of my favorite short quotes:
1. The only thing is, people have to develop courage. It is most important of all the virtues. Because without courage, you can't practice any other virtues consistently.
2. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
3. Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.
4. Those of us who submitted or surrendered our ideas and dreams and identities to the 'leaders' must take back our rights, our identities, our responsibilities.
5. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
6. All of us knows, not what is expedient, not what is going to make us popular, not what the policy is, or the company policy - but in truth each of us knows what is the right thing to do. And that's how I am guided.
7. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good.
8. All men are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened.
9. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be
10. Whatever you want to do, if you want to be great at it, you have to love it and be able to make sacrifices for it.
As usual, I've found that 10 was not enough. Here are 6 more:
11. The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free.
12. One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.
13. I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.
14. I am grateful to be a woman. I must have done something great in another life.
15. At 50, I began to know who I was. It was like waking up to myself.
16. How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
Maya Angeou embraced life and gave a lesson in how to do that well:

What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good.

When Nelson Mandela passed, Maya Angelou tweeted: "We thank him for coming, we thank him for teaching, we thank him for loving us." Now we can say the same thing about Maya Angelou herself.

Joshua's Yoke

Take care of your thoughts because they become WORDS.
Take care of your words because they will become ACTIONS.
Take care of your actions because they will become HABITS.
Take care of your habits because they will form your CHARACTER.
Take care of your character because it will form our DESTINY -
AND your destiny WILL BE YOUR LIFE. - Dalai Lama

"Above everything else, guard your heart.
It is where your life comes from." Proverbs 4:23

Gratitude

Words cannot describe how grateful I am for your presence in this world.  I hope you realize how important your light is, don't let anyone, including me, tell you differently.  Be true to your unique, amazing, emotional and beautiful self.  Always be true. 


Dear Daughters,
My beautiful girls, right now you are eleven and seven—the stories of your life just beginning, the first few chapters already filled with people who love you, places we’ve explored and experiences that, unbeknownst to you, have already begun to shape your thinking and strengthen your character.
I am beyond blessed to be the mother of you two, each of you so special in your own unique way.


I hope you have examples of women who have modeled what it means to be a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl is kind, hard-working, caring, curious about life, strong yet vulnerable.  Today, I want to tell you about something else that makes a girl beautiful—something important.


Each of you was born with a light inside of you—the light that makes you who you are. All of your talents, all of your gifts, all of the joy and love and enthusiasm you have to give the world; your smile, your laughter, your ideas, your heart is all embodied in that light. Your light is unique to you. There is no other light in the world that looks exactly the same as yours.


So, please. Please. Don’t change that light. The world needs it. Don’t dim it, don’t wish you had a different light, don’t let yourself believe that your light isn’t good enough, don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you need to change. A beautiful girl shines her light, just as it is. Be you, sweet girls. Be you.

The world is a great big place with ideas and voices and images and opinions. They can inspire you or they can swallow you. Let them inspire you. Take what feels good and ignore what feels bad. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel that a girl’s worth lies in anything but her light. It’s not her body. It’s not how much she accomplishes. It’s not her grades or her job or her friends or how many people like her. The most beautiful girl knows that her worth lies in the most precious thing she has to offer—being herself. Shining her light.


Looking back, I can’t tell you how many times I felt awkward growing up. Sometimes I felt too loud and spirited around girls who were shy and alluring. So I shrank into uncomfortable quiet to be more like them. Lots of times I felt embarrassed for who I was and wished I could change things—things like my body or my clothes, what I was good at, what I wasn’t good at.  I wish I could go back and tell that girl just to be herself—that the happiest and most beautiful girls are the ones who shine their light and don’t apologize or feel ashamed for who they are. I wish she knew that she was perfect just the way she was and that she could affect the world and those around her most greatly if she just believed that she didn’t have to be anything but herself.


I love you both so much. I love you just the way you are. I felt your light the moment each of you was placed in my arms, and I’ve been blessed to see that light continue to shine as you’ve grown. You both are different in beautiful ways, and I cherish the things that make you unique. I just want you to value those things as much as I do. The most solid, comforting, truthful, reliable thing in this world is what’s inside of you. Unlike money, you can’t lose it. Unlike appearance, it doesn’t fade. You were born with it. You will die with it. It’s you. The you I’ve loved since the day I met you.
Please.  Love that you.  Be yourself.  You will do great things just by being you.
Never forget that.
I forever celebrate you, support you and love you.
Love,
Mama

Gratitude

I am grateful for the ability to change and grow.


 
I am done with my graceless heart.  Tonight I'm going to cut it out and then restart.
-Annie Lennox

Gratitude

I am feeling a little irked at N's teacher at the moment so this may come off as negative but it is relevant. 


I am grateful for whoever came up with and made mainstream the phrase (was it Eleanor Roosevelt):
What other's think of you is none of your business.


I am also grateful for Honey Badger.


And, while we are at it, I am grateful for the Wisconsin Badgers in keeping my bracket alive!  Final Four baby!  Well done!!

Intimacy & Insects

From conscious uncoupling blog...

To understand what life is really like living with an external shield, we have to examine the experts: Insects. Beetles, grasshoppers, and all other insects have an exoskeleton. The structure that protects and supports their body is on the outside. Not only are they stuck in a rigid, unchanging form that provides no flexibility, they are also at the mercy of their environment. If they find themselves under the heel of a shoe, it’s all over. That’s not the only downside: Exoskeletons can calcify, leading to buildup and more rigidity.
By contrast, vertebrates like dogs, horses, and humans have an endoskeleton. Our support structure is on the inside of our bodies, giving us exceptional flexibility and mobility to adapt and change under a wide range of circumstances. The price for this gift is vulnerability: Our soft outside is completely exposed to hurt and harm every day.
Life is a spiritual exercise in evolving from an exoskeleton for support and survival to an endoskeleton. Think about it. When we get our emotional support and wellbeing from outside ourselves, everything someone says or does can set us off and ruin our day. Since we can’t control or predict what another person does, our moods are at the mercy of our environment. We can’t adapt to the situation if our intimate partner doesn’t behave the way we think they should. Everything is then perceived as a personal attack and attempt to upset us. Up goes our armor and it’s all-out war.
With an internal support structure, we can stand strong because our stability doesn’t depend on anything outside ourselves. We can be vulnerable and pay attention to what’s happening around us, knowing that whatever comes, we have the flexibility to adapt to the situation. There’s a reason we call cowards spineless: It takes great courage to drop your armor, expose your soft inside, and come to terms with the reality of what’s happening around you. It’s a powerful thing to then realize that you can survive it. When we examine our intimate relationships from this perspective, we realize that they aren’t for finding static, lifelong bliss like we see in the movies. They’re for helping us evolve a psycho-spiritual spine, a divine endoskeleton made from conscious self-awareness so that we can evolve into a better life without recreating the same problems for ourselves again and again. When we learn to find our emotional and spiritual support from inside ourselves, nothing that changes our environment or relationships can unsettle us.
There’s a scientific theory by Russian esotericist, Peter Ouspensky, that the creation of insects was a failed attempt by nature to evolve a higher form of consciousness. There was a time millions of years ago when insects were enormous—a dragonfly’s wings were three feet across. So why didn’t they end up being the dominant species on earth? Because they lacked flexibility, which is what evolution is all about, and couldn’t adapt to changing conditions like humans can. The lives of people who imprison themselves in an exoskeleton of anger usually don’t evolve the way they’d like them to, either. Being trapped inside negative energy like anger and resentment keeps people from moving forward in life because they can only focus on the past. Even worse, over time, these powerful emotions often turn into disease in the body.

Gratitude

I am grateful for how life unfolds sometimes...grateful for supportive people.

Gratitude for Glennon Melton and Lent

Gratitude 12

I am so, so grateful for Glennon Doyle Melton and all the hope & truth she is spreading for moms and other ordinary people in this messy, messy world.


She is an amazing, vivid writer...super smart. 


Lent is the 40-day period preceding Easter when Christians traditionally “give up” something in preparation to receive. I think of Lent as a purging of what we don’t need in order to create space to receive bigger and better things- like peace and love and joy. It’s like putting down your phone so you can hold somebody’s hand. It’s like emptying your bedroom of clutter so you can really see that beautiful antique bed your mama passed down to you. It’s like that. Lent Is A Spiritual Spring Cleaning.  _Glennon's quote


 - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/#sthash.WxeLm1mj.dpuf

Gratitude 11

I am really grateful that I grew up and moved out of my parent's house.  Life got a lot better after that.  A short stint and the wrong university turned into a detour to the right one.  Like an ex boyfriend's roommate once told me...no one can EVER take your degree away from you.  I am proud of going out and knowing that I needed to do that, despite my dad scheduling me an interview with a flight attendant school among other barriers way back when.
I may have made a ton of mistakes in my life for various reasons, including not following my instincts, but moving on despite obstacles turned out to be something I could really own.  I am grateful that I can recapture that determined spirit and trust me, I will.  I need to stop analysis paralysis and just go.  I also need to put my character trait that was once described at "perceptive to a fault" to good use, or stop caring about out of control issues outside my world.  I will embrace opportunity bravely, like I used to.

Gratitude 10

I am grateful for Ariana Huffington and her insightful commentary.  Today she blogged re: wisdom of her Greek mother. 


“Darling, just change the channel. You are in control of the clicker. Don’t replay the bad, scary movie.”


I hope I am a helpful mama, one who is able to impart good wisdom on her sprouts and help them be agents of change.  Help them be happy, healthy and whole despite the sadness that goes on in the world.


I am going look into some customer visits and maybe link into the fall RAMPS meeting.  It would be good for business development.
Me: Boss, do you mind if I schedule a trip to NYC to visit MSKCC, you know, the worlds largest one?
B: Oh, Michelle, that is a great idea.  Your intuitive market presence certainly should be rewarded with a healthy salary bump.  Thanks for the good work!


Well maybe not the last part.


The part I like the most is that I can potentially schedule sprouts and their dad along for the trip!


I have a great idea for a Buffalo opportunity as well.  Sad, sad Buffalo.  I hope Jon Bon Jovi buys the Bills.

Another Gratitude...

I am grateful for great quotes, that I find on great blogs:


“The simplicity that you obtain as a result of controlling your complexity is most satisfying.” Steve Jobs


How do we control that complexity?  All those loves, those interests, those contradictions?  We stop trying to control them.  We invite them all to a party and trust that they'll get along with each other and find connections naturally, without our micromanaging.
-Kelle Hampton


Make sure everything adds up, aligns, checks out with what you believe. It’s like I’m looking for errors and contradictions in my own life, and there’s a word for people who do that in other people’s lives:  Assholes.  I’m being an asshole to my own self, and I need to quit.
-Kelle Hampton


“Stop worrying about your identity and concern yourself with the people you care about, ideas that matter to you, beliefs you can stand by, tickets you can run on. Intelligent humans make those choices with their brain and hearts and they make them alone. The world does not deliver meaning to you. You have to make it meaningful…and decide what you want and need and must do. It’s a tough, unimaginably lonely and complicated way to be in the world. But that’s the deal: you have to live; you can’t live by slogans, dead ideas, clichés, or national flags. Finding an identity is easy. It’s the easy way out." -Zadie Smith

Gratitude #8

I am grateful for all the birthday wishes I received over the weekend!  They made me realize that I/we are not alone despite what overanalyzing minds may tell us.


45 will be new and exciting and badass!

Gratitude #7

I am grateful that my kids have multiple interests and pursue them with vigor.  5th Grade girls basketball is scary aggressive to me.  In an already competitive environment of parochial school parents (and non parochials sometimes) trying to set their 11 year old up for a future NCAA scholarship, I see my Natalie rising above and just playing ball, fast breaking, rebounding and even scoring 6 of the 11 points at the final buzzer yesterday.  She collided with two opponents, fell and was on the verge, but she got right back up and even proceeded to get the rebound.  Seeing them grow is amazing at times.  And, my Charlotte...gets right in the middle of the soccer pack and kicks that ball hard and fearlessly.  And she watches her form and placement in every gymnastics move.


Seeing them grow and watching their interests grow is amazing and bittersweet.  I sometimes wish I could provide Charlotte with that baby sibling she wants so badly, just to do it again and watch these sweet years unfold.

Gratitude #6

I am grateful for starting to see the light after a lot of darkness.  I am glad that I am really feeling the process of growing and letting go.  I am sorry for what I have messed up along the way but I know there is grace and forgiveness out there for those who ask for and give in return. 

Gratitude #5

See, this is exactly the point of this exercise...when I'm down and tired of fighting against being misunderstood, or wondering why people think it's ok to be so cruel while identifying as enlightened and kind or spiritual and led by grace, or witnessing the shockingly mean way people act in a Catholic school environment with the mission statement "living in faith, growing in character, loving each other."  It's time to pull out some gratitude.


I am so, so grateful for the sun today.  It's January and we're in the midst of the winter doldrums.  Even if there are sub zero temps out there, the gorgeous sun is shinning and is an awesome contrast to the grey days of winter.  I love warmth.  I love the sun.  I feel a little bad that both Natalie and Charlotte know more about the solar system than I do, though.  But, yet, grateful that they have such a great thirst for knowledge.


I also love the statement I read recently, "fire the judge and hire the witness."  Words to live by and meditate on.

Gratitude #4

I am grateful for water.  It goes without saying that clean, fresh drinking water is not something to which all have access.  And that is wrong.  I watch and wonder as the lakes in my own "educated, left leaning environmentally conscious" town get taken over by blue green algae.  These same lakes that we used to swim freely in are often closed down in the summer, or questionable at best.


Water is awesome and powerful yet flows right through your fingers.  It transforms your body, can rid you of toxins and clear bad skin.  When I was growing up I didn't drink much if any water...maybe if it was the only option available. We all went for the soda or sugar drinks and didn't appreciate the true value in natural beverages without a huge list of additives.  We now look at things differently and water is my kids' drink of choice.  I drink at least two 32 oz servings in my new water bottle (a much wanted Christmas gift). And before having this little green metal bottle, I drank glasses and glasses daily.  I really started drinking lots of water when I was pregnant with Natalie and stopped drinking soda.


We should really make the current global issues with availability of clean water a priority over fighting endless, needless wars, catering monetarily to those who simply don't care and other wastes of money and resources.

Gratitude #3

Honestly, I haven't been feeling too grateful lately.  My focus is off and I'm not doing well at home.  Work is never ending.  Our extended families are uninvolved and seemingly uninterested.  My mind is going to dark, fearful places.  Analysis paralysis.


But, I am grateful to have been born in a free, democratic country.  I know that we all are very fortunate to live here and speak our minds and even be bummed out if we want.  We are free to love and ignore judgement.  We have amazing, resilient people serving in the armed forces.  There are a lot of good people here.  There is no reason to be locked in chains.

Gratitude, Day 2

I am grateful for my health and that of my little family.  The health scare I had last summer made me realize how much I've taken for granted.  Good health (and happiness) is priceless.

Gratitude Posts start today

I read about a life changing gratitude poster on Facebook and am going to try it myself.  For people who struggle with varying levels of depression, the hardest thing, deep down in one's soul, or the most confusing/frustrating thing is to know that you have so much to be grateful for yet, you feel sad.
We all shall overcome.


Of course I am grateful for my two ones.  They are both well adjusted, caring, smart and fun girls.  They get up in the morning and get ready for school and just show a consistent level of responsibility and motivation every day.  Charlotte's little look when she is sampling new food slays me.  She is full of spirit and humor, questions and conversation...a social butterfly and I love it.  Natalie, on the verge of tween-hood, but yet she still wants to snuggle, hold hands, ask for advice, and generally spend time with her Mama.  I ask God for the grace required every day to mother these two wonderful souls and I thank him, because I am so grateful for Natalie and Charlotte.