Christmas 2012

December was so busy, we started the month with stomach flu, moved on to school festivities and got hit by major snowstorm that gave us two days off, right before the holiday break started.  And, here it is, December 28...it flew by.

We spent Christmas Eve at M's house.  I will say that I am tired of driving two hours for the Christmas Eve celebration, and then trucking it home to arrive in the early am.  C was fast asleep and snuggled easily into bed but N woke up when we got home, and inisisted on putting out cookies and notes for Santa and our Elf on the Shelf.   While she was (finally) in bed, she heard me shuffling the Santa loot downstairs.  She knows.  But, she won't admit it.  She had the decency not to come downstairs and tell me she couldn't fall asleep, she waited until I came back upstairs so she wouldn't "out" the Santa gifts.  It was 1 am and I was just trying to get to bed myself.  We watched so much Elf this season that I think she doesn't want to be the one without Christmas spirit. 

Our early riser slept until after 7am!  C came in and woke me up and got N and we all headed downstairs.   They opened gifts and played while I made breakfast and started preparing our late lunch with Grandma and Grandpa.   There is still magic and belief in Christmastime at our house, but so many heavy hearts around the world...so many people watching Newton, CT and thinking of those children and their educators.  The loss and pain those families are feeling hasn't left me since the whole heartbreaking event.  When I look at my six year old and all her spunk and dreams she has yet to fulfill, it is so hard to wrap my head around any of this.

I am going to give my family the gift of more presence this year. 

Six

Dear Charlotte,
Last Saturday, you turned six.  When I think of how quickly the past 6 years...the past almost ten years of motherhood has flown by, I am in disbelief.   We were awed by you and your sister on your birth days, our babies.

You have grown so much but sometimes, you still want to be little.  You told me the week before your birthday that you wanted to be three again.  You'd also like a baby in the house. You are our baby, and always will be...as much as I'd like to get you a lil sibling.  I'd like to hold time still but am still excited at every stage of your young life.

I promised you I'd (try to) make cake pops for your birthday.  And they were a success!  Your cousins came down and we went to the pool for the entire day.  You saw your good friends Andrew, Daniel, Neva and Isabelle in the morning and then had Jillian and Olivia with you for the afternoon...we were basically at the pool all day, and you are becomming a brave little swimmer.  In our 3 pool outings, you've perfected a backward summersault and underwater swimming...you are an adventure girl and I wish I could bottle your enthusiasm and happiness.  You also like to do cartwheels on land.  After swimming and playing at our house for a bit, we all went to Ella's Deli for dinner and ice cream.

On Sunday, you had your birthday party at Madison Children's Museum.  Your friend who is "so, so, so, so nice and the smartest boy in our class," Daniel was there and the two of you have a habit of holding hands.  Don't worry...I got a pic. ;)  Also, your friends Andrew, Isabelle, Abigail, Molly, Neva, Taylor, & Lydia were there too.  Your favorite guests, baby Molly and baby Eve were there as well...you are beyond sweet to your baby cousins.  You all had fun and afterward, we went with your uncles and aunts and cousins for dinner at the Great Dane.

You had a wonderful first year of school.  Your Kindergarten class was made of awesome, from your wonderful and beloved Ms. Schroedel to the many kind friends you met in your class.  We were all sad to see Kindergarten end but you will no doubt tackle the next year with your signature enthusiasm and spirit.

Your spirit and energy...you are so kind, so patient and sweet.  You are loved and adored by so many, Charlotte.  You are a beautiful soul inside and out.  And funny...sometimes you humor me by reinacting the "two ones?" plea for a second cookie that you adorably did as a toddler.  You have changed our lives and we are absolutely blessed that you are ours.  I love you so much and look forward to our future together.

XOXO,
Mama

New York, New York

I haven't been there since October, 2011.  The Emerald City!  And for the first time ever, Natalie and Charlotte got to visit, and I got to take the whole famlily on a business trip as well.

The city:

I didn't get to spend the first day with my peeps as I had a meeting at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.  I had some other appointments that took up the rest of the day.  But I did get pictures and stories.  

Central Park Zoo (taken by Natalie):

The Metropolitan Museum of Art:

On one rainy day, around Times Square, Charlotte told me she wanted to stop walking because she had raindrops in her boots.  And, her voice and concern...I seriously want to remember it for the rest of my life.  Much like a voice mail message she'd left me last year (which I lost) where she said, Mommy, this is your family, Addy, Charlotte and Daddy and and, I hope.... I hope you're having a great, great day.  And maybe we'll make a surprise for you, maybe or maybe not. Your little voice is priceless, as is your sister's.

More to come...

Dear Natalie

You are going through kind of a tough time right now.  You are so smart, and strive to work hard in school and get good grades.  That, I hope, remains a constant.  But, you are also going through some tough stuff socially with people you once called "friends" or establishing your own boundaries for what you will accept and what you will dismiss from others in this sometimes cruel world.

I foolishily thought that you could prolong your enchanting, spirited innocence at a parochial school.  I was blindsided by some of the early days there.  Mean girls, pigeon holing teachers, the rawness of the world arrived front and center for you. 

Last night, we took a walk and you told me how you feel.  How school is.  How you don't like recess and wish you could just stay in the library and read.  I want to swoop in and fix but I can't.  I can listen, I can tell you that I felt the same way as a kid sometimes.  I can tell you that if we didn't live in a medium sized city that your public school declares a large urban school district with associated problems, I would send you to public school after all you've been through.  I and you can also have hope that these experiences will make you stronger, and more capabable and more happy in life because you know that you are loved by your family yet also know that sometimes people aren't kind or aren't fair and that its very important for you to beat to your own drummer and filter useless background noise when you need to.

I want you to be accepted and to feel confident.  You have the foundation to do that and the full support of people who love you.  I am sure you will succeed and these little trials will be but a blip on this fleeting period of your radar to a amazing life.   Believe in yourself.

Love,
Mama

In your own words

You always talked, are always animated & social.  You are a voracious reader and above average at Math too.  You are so smart.

I don't know if it's the school, the parocial school, and all that comes with that.  Or the early competitive behavior of your class.  I don't know if it's merely just a "speech language issue." 

For the past year, you have worked with a SLP on articulation (outside the school district, of course, because despite a second grade diagnosis of "tongue thrust", no services could be provided in the schools.)  The constant observing and judging of your articulation may have created the stalling and stuttering and lack of confidence in your speaking.   I think you have conquered the articulation but the confidence in speaking is not there. I don't know if your teacher is making you her project because friends and family do not notice the speech issues. We meet with her on Monday.

All I know is that I love you and will take any road required to ensure a life of confidence and happiness.  You are not definable, you are too multi-faceted.  On the bubble with speech services, looking for meaningful friendshps with nice kids, just wanting to be YOU; we will get there kiddo.  I am your biggest advocate and fan and I will make sure of it.

April Fool

Yesterday, when we were rushing about to get out the door for Molly's first birthday party in Elm Grove, Natalie whipped up a little breakfast.  She made toast, spread with peanut butter and sprinkled with garlic salt, pepper and salt.  She brought it up for us to taste and was a little bummed when we didn't start gagging and hacking, I guess.

It had an after effect though.  My mouth started to pop about a half hour later.  Funny girl.

Kindergarteners and Paris

A couple week's ago, I got to go to Charlotte's class and share some photos and anecdotes from Paris.  They were in the middle of their France unit.  I showed photos of Notre Dame & the Sacre Coure, the ole Eiffle, some mounted police officers and a police car that seemed 180 degrees from a standard issue Crown Victoria.  I also got to use Ms. S' SMART BOARD for my presentation, which made me want an Ipad even more.

They asked questions like, how many photos did you take?  Do all police ride horses? Is that a castle too? I showed them some of the few trinkets I had, Eiffle Tower keychain that I got for free, Charlotte's Eiffle tower Christmas Tree decoration, a Euro (a coin, not a bill) and a $2 Euro just to add some more material. 

They were the sweetest, cutest audience to which I'd ever presented.  Daniel was very forgiving of me when I called him Nicholas too.  Charlotte was very happy to have me here...she requested I do it when she heard about the France unit last October.  The camradiery in her class is AMAZING, especially when compared to Natalies...they all go to each other's bday parties, regardless of gender.

I cannot believe they will be doing assessments for the new Kindergarteners in a few weeks.  I think I will miss it more than Charlottte.

The week ends...

Yesterday, I had the great honor of chaperoning the Daisies.  Charlotte and her troop went to Madison Fire Station #7 and OMG, did the Kindergarteners bring the cute!  Charlotte checked in with me often, hung out with her nice friends and we all had fun.  I love her class, I love her Daisies troop.  I am so glad I had a second student at SMG because Natalie's class is so completely different.  I am still in shock at the savvy "mean girl" behavior of her class, that started in freaking Kindergarten.  And, apparently, nothing can be done but lip service.  It's an unlucky class for my sweet, empathetic, kind and plays-by-the-rules Natalie to be placed in but the universe just isn't always fair.  Charlotte and I will help her get through.  We are both her biggest fans.

Auntie is coming to visit with Olivia and Jillian tonight.  Tomorrow, I'm back at SMG to volunteer for the rummage sale.  Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to volunteer there but I've always been a time giver, in addition to opening my checkbook for tuition, monthly giving, etc.  They do learn some good lessons at the lil parochial too.

Tomorrow night, we party with the Texans for St Patricks Day.  It's Bill's bday and CJ is throwing him a party, because they like to party.  And kids are always included as well...Jamie and Izzy are becomming good friends to our two ones.  I love them all!

80 degrees today, yesterday and likely tomorrow.  March 16!  No winter this year...I can count on one hand the days we actually accumulated snow.  I fear global warming is alive and well in 'sconnie.

Time to get the girls!  TTFN, SI.

3rd Grade Performer

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

Natalie rocked it last night. 

Charlotte and Natalie had swim west last night at 5 and 5:15 respectively.  Charlotte finished up comfortably at 5:30 and Natalie had to scoot out of the pool at 5:45, get showered and dried in order to be at school for her concert at 6:25.  We made the time crunch.

Up in the risers, I watched our 3rd grader shine like a bright star.  I've always been sadly shocked at how early the mean girl behavior begins.  There was some of that going on last night but sweet Natalie rose above and sang her heart out.  Smiling and singing next to a group of girls too cool to really get into it.  I hope you always let your beautiful light shine, my dear.  And, always, always be better than the haters.  You did such a great job with your performance and your spirit and soul were brighter than the sunshine you bring to a sometimes not friendly school environment.

Input, Output: Hallmark

Kellie Hampton is my hero! I love her writing, her passion, her love for her "two ones" but mostly, I love the massive amounts of good for which she uses her Internet microphone. Case in point:
Input, Output: Hallmark

Reinvention of self

I've never been overly ambitious but being a working mom definitely kicked me into gear.  I am not at peace with beng a working mom, though.  I am not at peace with giving up control.  I am not at peace with child care outside of my own. 
I grew up with a SAHM who had to scramble to raise 5 kids, on her own pretty much.  My dad came home and did the old school discipline, drop in on our lives stuff.  He tried, but he was a product of his upbringing.  I didn't want to be alone at home with no $$ or no way to stand on my own.  I think I tended toward the working mom profile, but didn't want to admit it.  Plus, we needed my income anyway.   Plus, I get to deal with adults who transparently play political games and mean girl behavior that is far more annoying than the most epic of toddler tantrums...it's kind of a sacrifice for income, sometimes.
Therein lies the angst.  I need to better define who I am, so I can model this for my kids.  I was bemused earlier this year when Charlotte made a gingerbread man holding a sign that said, "I can go to work just like my mommy."  I am a worker, yes, but fought with my boss to get his approval to leave my job early to pick them up from school on M, W, F.  Prior to that, I worked 9-10 hour M-Rs and had off Friday with my babies.  I took a pay cut to do it and it also makes up for the four times a year I need to travel for a few days.  I just want those little spouts to know their mama also needed to put food in their bellies, shoes on their feet, and as an aside, private school tuition into the family budget due to the terrible state of Madison schools these days.  God willing, those college savings accounts will also be well-used.  
I was annoying about it.  I still am, complaining about work, complaining about stress, about not being present while feeling this angst...a vicious cycle.
I am good at my job.  Very good.  I need to work on myself and redefine this working mom role on the mom side.  I need to find a comfortable place, finally.  I am better than I was but I need to grow more.

What's in a name

I get a lot of compliments on their names.  Yesterday, when I was volunteering at lunch duty, Kristin Sleeth told me she always remembers Natalie is my daughter, because she loves her name but couldn't use with her own last name for her kid.  She asked what my Kindergartener's name is, Charlotte, and responds, oh that is a beautiful name too.
If I have any regrets about your names, it is not including mine somehow.  Natalie called Charlotte, "Baby Coco" mostly in utero but also called her Baby Hannah.  Lance suggested Hannah Marie on the morning of the day Charlotte was born.  My OB liked Anna, said Hannah is overused.  I liked Charlotte all along.  Strong, solid, classic, like Natalie.  And Elizabeth, such a classic beauty of a name.  I won't ever be insulted if they choose to go by their middle names.
We were thinking Grace for Natalie.  My second cousin had a baby Grace in August of the same year.  He happens to be named John which was a duplicate family name for my uncle, his cousin John so choosing Grace would not be an unprecidented move.  Plus, they live in Oregon and I have seen them maybe once or twice in the last ten years.  But, we wanted an original.  When she was born, we thougth Kirstin and actually called her that for several hours.  I called people and told them we weren't totally decided on the name but she is here, 3 weeks early and we are in love.  By mid moring on 9-10-02, we had decided on Natalie Grace.  One of the night nurses came in and told me Natalie Grace is so beautiful, it gave her shivers.  Uncle Todd said she was probably bopping from room to room saying that to everyone, Jane Smith...so beautiful it gives me shivers!
Natalie Grace and Charlotte Elizabeth, my beautiful little souls.

Flu in the House of Two Ones

Natalie came home last Friday with a soar throat and 102 temp.  Charlotte came down with it yesterday (Tuesday) and is on the couch.  Natalie is back to herself but poor Charly has the sad, sick eyes even while she tries to crack a smile.