Friday, July 29, 2011
How to charm me
Last night when Charlotte crawled into bed with me as she's been doing a lot lately, she secured her small hand on my forearm and drifted off to sleep. It reminded me of her baby years. My five year old.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Limitations
Natalie noticed I was once again checking in with Enjoying the Small Things, one of the best Mamablogs out there. She's seen it before, and asks why I read THAT, instead of writing in my own blog. I told her I'm always inspired with the words and the photography. She said so you copy her ideas? I kind of fancy myself a photographer after seeing her work and then looking more into what I can do with my own limited equipment, and want to get back to the writing I long ago abandoned when I moved from public relations work to admissions and then to sales.
Natalie is right. She has a handle on life sometimes and wisdom that flashes through her babytalk she sometimes still uses for security, or as she says "to be cute." Girl, you are ADORABLE without changing your voice. Plus, your speech therapist is calling for a moratorium on the baby talk so...
I guess I should be writing more when I'm feeling down, or confused, or hopeless but I really need to get past the limitations. There's a lot going on right now and I don't necessarily put words to it in the proper context. But, I'll some it up somewhat and maybe it will provide much needed therapy. It's effing hard to be a working mom, it's hard on me, it's hard on the kids, and it's hard on my husband who tends to make everything about him. Being pulled in all directions is like a cliche and I realized awhile back that balance is an illusion. A quote from The Road Less Traveled was on the aformentioned fab Mama blog that goes something to the effect, "life is hard. and once you truly embrace and realize that fact, you will find peace" or something like that. I've lived it. I've known it. My mom and dad are out of their minds but living in a 1950s mindset where you don't talk about or admit to those things, and, my mom especially, will completely by default remain ignorant to any issue I try to address. They break my heart. And my siblings. It's hard to grow up in a home where really, the only thing going on was turmoil and chaos and avoidance. I've figured that out. I made the mistake of going to somewhat elaborate lengths to get my mom here for Natalie's Grandparent's Day last April and Natalie still recoils at a single incident, which I thoughtfully asked my mom about, and she of course...duh Michelle, pleaded ignorance. They are not evil/write off for life parents, they just don't want the help they desperately need and have since I can remember. The huge gray area has always been a stumbling block for me and for how I let others treat me.
I am not at liberty to discuss how messed up Lance's family is.
I feel alone right now with some big decisions to make and wonder how I will do it...alone.
I thank God every day for my girls and how they have transformed me in so many ways but I need to make some decisions for us, as a family. We need to move forward in health and I pray for the ability to make that happen.
Natalie is right. She has a handle on life sometimes and wisdom that flashes through her babytalk she sometimes still uses for security, or as she says "to be cute." Girl, you are ADORABLE without changing your voice. Plus, your speech therapist is calling for a moratorium on the baby talk so...
I guess I should be writing more when I'm feeling down, or confused, or hopeless but I really need to get past the limitations. There's a lot going on right now and I don't necessarily put words to it in the proper context. But, I'll some it up somewhat and maybe it will provide much needed therapy. It's effing hard to be a working mom, it's hard on me, it's hard on the kids, and it's hard on my husband who tends to make everything about him. Being pulled in all directions is like a cliche and I realized awhile back that balance is an illusion. A quote from The Road Less Traveled was on the aformentioned fab Mama blog that goes something to the effect, "life is hard. and once you truly embrace and realize that fact, you will find peace" or something like that. I've lived it. I've known it. My mom and dad are out of their minds but living in a 1950s mindset where you don't talk about or admit to those things, and, my mom especially, will completely by default remain ignorant to any issue I try to address. They break my heart. And my siblings. It's hard to grow up in a home where really, the only thing going on was turmoil and chaos and avoidance. I've figured that out. I made the mistake of going to somewhat elaborate lengths to get my mom here for Natalie's Grandparent's Day last April and Natalie still recoils at a single incident, which I thoughtfully asked my mom about, and she of course...duh Michelle, pleaded ignorance. They are not evil/write off for life parents, they just don't want the help they desperately need and have since I can remember. The huge gray area has always been a stumbling block for me and for how I let others treat me.
I am not at liberty to discuss how messed up Lance's family is.
I feel alone right now with some big decisions to make and wonder how I will do it...alone.
I thank God every day for my girls and how they have transformed me in so many ways but I need to make some decisions for us, as a family. We need to move forward in health and I pray for the ability to make that happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)