Dad

You died last year.  On February 23rd.  You were a small but strong man.  I know you cared about people very much.  I think you were neglected as a kid, not by design, just by Catholic baby boomer family on a small town dairy farm standards.  You were the oldest.  You had to run that place with your Dad while going to school and he sold insurance.  You had 7 younger siblings who you also cared and looked out for. You had an awesome, classy, academic and life skills talented sister just behind you.  You both got college degrees in the 60s which not everyone did.  Especially when you had to do it on your own as the eldest farm children from Lomira.

You had old work shirts with a "Standard" logo that you wore to take care of the three acre plot we lived .  You worked in the 50-60s era service stations and knew how to fix the classic autos.  You went to Detroit to learn drafting, but then decided you wanted to apply the math and science so you went to sweet MSOE where they train the best engineers a corporation could ever hire.  Grandma says you lived down there in a campus apartment that had cockroaches that ran across the floor when the lights went off.  It was totally ghetto but you were from the old school non entitled days.  You worked every angle in any environment.  I remember when Todd and I used to look through the piles of mail for the Catholic Appeals fund that you chaired when you had a house full of kid and a full time job and a farm full of beef steers or steer.  I like steers.   Every minute of every daylight hour was spent working.  Sometimes you took a 45 minute nap on the couch, even though you had screaming kids in the house and chaos on the farm.

You lived on a farm before silo unloaders, manure spreaders, barn cleaners, automated milking machines...and tractors that required more maintenance than output.  You were taxed in a manner that my entitled Gen X self could never appreciate, until I started reading historical fiction more.  None of your little siblings had to deal with any of that as you were on the cusp of the industrial farming revolution.  Despite all that work, you taught us all to love Wisconsin and its farming roots, not to mention its sports and political ones...you watched the Packers every Sunday in the 70s when they sucked and you knew Bob Betts and got Packers to speak at events and even stalked Al McGuire once to his car until he caved to host your fund raiser, per your pal/BOL, JG.

I probably wasn't your favorite kid other than the fact that I was the first girl *yay* or likely the most rebellious and limit pushing kid any parent could ever not wish on their worst enemy.  Your favor was consumed by concern and energy sucked making sure none of the other four strayed so far off the beaten path. I am sorry.  I am glad you now know that it was never at the level your 80s media consuming parent mind would think of a child who got home at 2 and slept all day until I had to go work at the gas station, where I gave my friends free food when they visited.  I still have never done the cocaine you told the school counselor you suspected me of doing.  I was a Miller Light gal.  Now I like wine.  Thank you for being conservative, sometimes micromanaging, when other 80s parents were permissive.  I am certain as a 40-something that you and mom knew intuitively that is what I needed and I never said, thank you, Dad, for not taking the path of least resistance, especially when I was a surly brat.

I am not sure what any one of the many people you knew in life saw but what I saw was you always still tried, even when I or others who should have had your back became so completely detached from everything that you had to deal with.  All the stress that I cannot even imagine.  I think most of it came from being a people pleasing community builder.  You did make many friends.  You had a creative and good business mind but really, you were an engineer.  I think you and Grandpa Schill are conferring on that now because he told you that too.

It is admirable that you had farming in your heart, or wanted to be your own boss, or a combination of both that drew you to farm the land.  I remember you on the Ford tractors sold at West Bend Implement, down the road from Puppyland, where we usually got our farm dogs.  I remember that red and yellow combine.  I remember your gold Mustang you had when MC was born.

When I went to the Museum of Natural History in NYC with TM in the late '90s, we both agreed that you would like that place.  You were an agricultural engineer as well as an industrial one.  Even in the drought of '88.

I am so sorry that you were so stressed and I never stepped up to help as much as I could have or should have.  Your live was amazingly busy and you liked it that way.  Lance remembers you gold Cadillac and your tan leather car coat type jacket back in the 80s.  You liked your car and your smokes.  I am glad you didn't have to suffer for too long without your life and your community.  You went away for three months in a maze of interventions before you died.  You tried so hard to live.

Thank you for everything you taught me.   I heard and knew you even when I didn't acknowledge it. You raised us all to have solid values and traditional character that is sometimes lost in the world. Your whole family misses you and cannot wait to see you again.

'Sup

I have a new job as a SOM for a start up.  It's pretty interesting.  I am definitely learning as I go with Excel, which is cool.  Back when I took Adobe PageMaker through expensive courses my employer covered, you couldn't find all the instructions on line.  My boss lives in Chicago so I rarely see him.  I had a 6th floor private office in a huge complex we had rented from.  But, last week we moved to this nice building in a wooded lot within the corporate complex wasteland.  It has an atrium and desks and booths which is great.  Because I am now in a non window office with three programmers, the CEO, and my boss when he comes up.  So, many of us will utilize the vast atrium space for work.  My office is portable...I am using it right now.  It's a good gig and hopefully, we can launch this nice little start up.

Natalie graduated from 8th grade.  They wore cardinal red cap & gown and she got an honor cord to wear and everything.  She is such an awesome kid.   She will do great things because she cares, and she works hard in school and her athletic pursuits as well.   We exposed both kids to a lot but so did everyone else in their sports obsessed town and school.  Natalie shined all on her own.  I can't put into words how much I love her.  She is really still very close to me and knows I more than have her back.  But she is 14 and going off to a big high school next year.  She will be exposed to all kinds of people and opportunities so our conversations will change a lot.  I have to let go and hopefully she will stay close.  She is so intuitive and has always been part of showing me the way through the unknown.  

It's nice to have a graduation ceremony as meaningful as she did.  50 kids, lots of memories good and bad but what I remember most about Natalie's days were her steadfastness and hope and hard work.  

Four more years.   Presence.

Charlotte worked up the nerve to transfer to public school.  She transferred at semester so she could hang with the elementary crowd before going off to middle school, which will be quite a different experience.  It can be great.  Middle school is hard everywhere, I'm told.  She will be 11 in 7 days.  I don't know how to slow down this fast moving train.  She has four more days of CCES.  It was a great semester and I am so proud of her.  She is so sweet and kind and she has learned a lot about people that she hadn't learned in Catholic school.  

I have gotten into reading James Altucher and am trying to improve my business skills.  The seven months of freelancer salary really knocked us down fiscally.  Things are slowly getting back on track but with the rental going down in a freak explosion, it was an interesting year.  I am so glad I left my old job.  I think back on how much I started to lose my mind with the travel.  It was totally unmanageable and I am surprised we made it through those last few years.  I haven't traveled in over a year.  It's odd and freeing yet I got pretty good at it so I miss the adventure.

It's the beginning of June.  I am going to use this month as a foundation for my growth plan.