About the joy

I have a hard time sustaining a positive mood these days.  Some of it may be due to the depression I know I've suffered since I was a teen, but some of it are circumstances outside of me.  In either case, I am not in control quite yet.


We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake.  The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot.  I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one.  25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking. 


We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives.  Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories.  I love this hike.  And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward.  I didn't this time...feet only.  We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia.  Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one.  But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.


A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.


I feel guilt a lot.  Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7.   When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things.   I want to let go of all of this, for them. 


Dear God.  Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.