Four days into it...

Nataile had an issue with a rude little ADHD kid yesterday.  She decided not to tell on her because the same kid had already gotten in trouble the day prior.  The same kid came to summer camp with lice and passed it along, for weeks.  I am a little judgemental but really starting to dislike this kid.  These kind of confessions are what journals are for.

On Monday, Natale had to fill out a "job application" and I dunno, it was the first full day of school after her early 10am wake up calls a week prior so I think she was tired.  She forgot her phone number.  I picked her up from school and she was angry...didn't even acknowledge her best friend before leaving with me.  She cried on the way to speech, during speech, and later that evening when Lance compared her sometimes lazy lackluster approach to doing sit ups to "Uncle Blake."  She sobbed and cried and Lance did his usual insensitive "alligator tears" bullshit that I have hated for 20+ years.  All Natalie could say was Please Do Not Call Me Uncle Blake, through sobs.  Prior to that, she tried to explain that she had a bad day and he said, "yeah, so did I, we all have bad days." Is this reality?  I have to mindfully keep my mouth closed and restrain myself physically from flicking him in the forehead to avoid a fight and let him explain himself to her instead.

So, yesterday am, I spoke with her teacher in the hallway regarding speech crossover techiniques (Natalie worked her tail off this summer with speech and has it mastered, but has to make it a pattern in her out of cilnic life now.)  I followed up with teacher by email and she and Natalie put together a plan.  Her teacher then mentioned the forgotten phone number incident and told me that she tried to console Natalie, told her to work with me to come up with a way to remember her phone number and wanted to address the issue as knowing one's phone # is a safety issue.   So, yeah, I took the hit there.  But not without telling Mr. H that Natalie does indeed know her own phone, my cell (Lance in his infinite wisdom recently changed his cell # so "no one can call him" and frankly, I just got his # committed to memory) and was extremely sad and tired that afternoon (the first full day of school), and not only about the phone number mishap.

Charlotte is an awesome Kindergarten student.  She grogily, yet cheerfully, gets up every am before 6:30 and goes off to school.  She tells me about her day and the Kindergarten Daily News also helps serve as an outline.  She has been hitting her head a lot lately.  Walking into walls.  I am going to see about a vision check but she is doing phenomenally.  I want to summarize, somehow, her going off to school.  I can't yet do it.  It's been a mixed bag but she is truly making us proud.  I will write it someday soon. 

On the second day of Kindergarten

Mama is still a little weepy.  Sprout #2 was excited and made us so proud yesterday, right before I walked teary eyed to the car.  Today, she was a little worried about going off on her own.  It helps that we have her in a good school and she is in good hands with not only her fabulous Kindergarten teacher, but also her assistant, student-teacher.

More to come, with photos!  The swift passage of time gets me every time.  I love those babies so fiercely...even if they are not really babies anymore.

Mostly

I want to enjoy the relaxation and calm that normal, non anxiety-ridden people enjoy.

The one who inspires

Inspired by Natalie and the work of other more detailed bloggers she sees me enjoy, I write tonight.  Natalie tells me to post and put photos on my blog more often.  I wish I was more confident but I know the only way out is through so, my dear, I will try.

Tonight, I was impatient with you because in your summer daze of late nights and busy days you are a bit off schedule.  You hardly went to KJ these last few weeks and when you did, you usually strolled in around 9 with daddy.  You tried to fight the sleep I could see was missing from your eyes today as I dragged you around to shop for last minute add ons for the school year.  Things we really didn't even need but it was my lame attempt to get out today and do some things.  You came in and asked if you could help me fold laundry, I wisked you off to bed.  You may have wanted to talk about something or just be close but it was 9:30 and I regret that I favored that over getting to know you even better while we fold clothes.  You really want to get on this allowance thing too but mostly, you want to help around the house.  You are almost 9 and you are trying so hard.

I am going to go up and give you a kiss and tell you I'm sorry for being impatient at bedtime.  You are such a sweet soul.  You are growing up before my eyes.  I am so proud of you and I am sorry I don't always take the time.  I love you for all that you are, NG.

Back from BC

So glad to be back on a Saturday night in my own bed with my lil family!

Vancouver was beeeautiful!  We stayed right on the water.  I wrote more in my daily journal but V, BC is a pretty awesome place.  Will definitely go back someday.

How to charm me

Last night when Charlotte crawled into bed with me as she's been doing a lot lately, she secured her small hand on my forearm and drifted off to sleep.  It reminded me of her baby years.  My five year old.

Limitations

Natalie noticed I was once again checking in with Enjoying the Small Things, one of the best Mamablogs out there.  She's seen it before, and asks why I read THAT, instead of writing in my own blog.  I told her I'm always inspired with the words and the photography.  She said so you copy her ideas?  I kind of fancy myself a photographer after seeing her work and then looking more into what I can do with my own limited equipment, and want to get back to the writing I long ago abandoned when I moved from public relations work to admissions and then to sales.

Natalie is right.  She has a handle on life sometimes and wisdom that flashes through her babytalk she sometimes still uses for security, or as she says "to be cute."  Girl, you are ADORABLE without changing your voice.  Plus, your speech therapist is calling for a moratorium on the baby talk so...

I guess I should be writing more when I'm feeling down, or confused, or hopeless but I really need to get past the limitations.  There's a lot going on right now and I don't necessarily put words to it in the proper context.   But, I'll some it up somewhat and maybe it will provide much needed therapy.  It's effing hard to be a working mom, it's hard on me, it's hard on the kids, and it's hard on my husband who tends to make everything about him.  Being pulled in all directions is like a cliche and I realized awhile back that balance is an illusion.  A quote from The Road Less Traveled was on the aformentioned fab Mama blog that goes something to the effect, "life is hard.  and once you truly embrace and realize that fact, you will find peace" or something like that.  I've lived it.  I've known it.  My mom and dad are out of their minds but living in a 1950s mindset where you don't talk about or admit to those things, and, my mom especially, will completely by default remain ignorant to any issue I try to address.  They break my heart.  And my siblings.  It's hard to grow up in a home where really, the only thing going on was turmoil and chaos and avoidance.  I've figured that out.  I made the mistake of going to somewhat elaborate lengths to get my mom here for Natalie's Grandparent's Day last April and Natalie still recoils at a single incident, which I thoughtfully asked my mom about, and she of course...duh Michelle, pleaded ignorance.  They are not evil/write off for life parents, they just don't want the help they desperately need and have since I can remember.  The huge gray area has always been a stumbling block for me and for how I let others treat me.

I am not at liberty to discuss how messed up Lance's family is.

I feel alone right now with some big decisions to make and wonder how I will do it...alone.

I thank God every day for my girls and how they have transformed me in so many ways but I need to make some decisions for us, as a family. We need to move forward in health and I pray for the ability to make that happen.