What I really want to say is that I am so proud to be Natalie and Charlotte's mom. Natalie, with athletic skills I don't possess and fearless on the volleyball court... growing into a confident tween so quickly. Charlotte, with athletic skills I don't possess and a tireless, fearless soccer player despite her somewhat insane coach and a myriad of other people who I have to bite my tongue for, keeps her cool...always. They want to do their own thing, but still seek my guidance. Natalie's homework is getting intense, and she follows the rules. She does work ahead of time and is very conscientious. Charlotte works hard and with a confidence I don't recall ever having at her age.
They are amazing.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Yesterday, you went to camp
We took the girls off to their first sleepover camp, ever. It's just two nights...a mini session for the sisters. When we got there, we discovered there was another set of sisters there and they aren't always the nicest classmates. I hope and pray that you are having fun, and learning and growing and that the mean girls have turned a new leaf over the summer. I SO wish I could make life easier in this regard, or tell you that mean girls grow up to be nice and this is just a phase.
You are learning life lessons.
All I know is that you cannot control others. Good manners and good listening will get you far.
And daddy is pretty worried. He wished he would have snuck that cell phone in your bags, or at least the Ipod for texting. Both are frowned upon at camp.
We haven't gotten an email and my server is blocking the photo site.
We will see you tomorrow afternoon at 4:30. And be anxious until that moment, hopefully unnecessarily.
We close on our house in four days.
We go to St Germain in six days!
17 more days until school starts! It will be a good year for both my girls...we will will it to be.
You are learning life lessons.
All I know is that you cannot control others. Good manners and good listening will get you far.
And daddy is pretty worried. He wished he would have snuck that cell phone in your bags, or at least the Ipod for texting. Both are frowned upon at camp.
We haven't gotten an email and my server is blocking the photo site.
We will see you tomorrow afternoon at 4:30. And be anxious until that moment, hopefully unnecessarily.
We close on our house in four days.
We go to St Germain in six days!
17 more days until school starts! It will be a good year for both my girls...we will will it to be.
Friday, August 8, 2014
the madness
My husband is shaming me in front of the kids (he loves to do this). This time, it's about fruit flies and a clean house. As I was scrubbing the nooks and crannies behind the counter that never get reached in an attempt to cover all surfaces, he walked by and said "I think I need to hire a cleaning lady." WTF. My choices are to react (and I've done this, sadly) or ignore and show the kids the high road (or show them a passive mama).
He does the wash like a factory worker. And he bitches the whole time. I still remember when we moved into our first place and he moved on from coin-op machines. He pushed his way into laundry duty. The problem is, the laundry never seems to get done until I get in there to cover it. Still, he walks around like some martyr victim who has to do laundry.
They all act like victims. His brother who lost his full ride scholarship in 1973 to play football at UW...well that was the fault of sports. The fact that he was on a cocaine binge and got into a physical fight with a coach has nothing to do with it. The poor estranged spouses that riddle his family...it's all their ex's fault.
How do I fight this? The girls are still smart and caring and interested but WTF am I going to do with this ongoing BS that I will never, ever stop? I've suggested he think globally...real issues, lack of clean water, violence in the middle east affecting innocent families, etc. All to no avail. It's a singular mind he was raised, on the compound, where the whole world is at fault. There is no undoing of that.
He is also very good at making it look like he is doing all the household work and I am just with this job that requires travel 6 times a year and woe is him has to pick up the kids at school with the mom out of town. I had to work, we needed the income. It's like the mommy wars in our own household. His job allows him to work two hour days if he wants, or skip out all together.
I can't do this anymore. There is no rhyme or reason and there certainly aren't going to be any winners.
He does the wash like a factory worker. And he bitches the whole time. I still remember when we moved into our first place and he moved on from coin-op machines. He pushed his way into laundry duty. The problem is, the laundry never seems to get done until I get in there to cover it. Still, he walks around like some martyr victim who has to do laundry.
They all act like victims. His brother who lost his full ride scholarship in 1973 to play football at UW...well that was the fault of sports. The fact that he was on a cocaine binge and got into a physical fight with a coach has nothing to do with it. The poor estranged spouses that riddle his family...it's all their ex's fault.
How do I fight this? The girls are still smart and caring and interested but WTF am I going to do with this ongoing BS that I will never, ever stop? I've suggested he think globally...real issues, lack of clean water, violence in the middle east affecting innocent families, etc. All to no avail. It's a singular mind he was raised, on the compound, where the whole world is at fault. There is no undoing of that.
He is also very good at making it look like he is doing all the household work and I am just with this job that requires travel 6 times a year and woe is him has to pick up the kids at school with the mom out of town. I had to work, we needed the income. It's like the mommy wars in our own household. His job allows him to work two hour days if he wants, or skip out all together.
I can't do this anymore. There is no rhyme or reason and there certainly aren't going to be any winners.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Gratitude
I am grateful for my girls' feet. They had the best, most edible baby feet that I miss. But when they are peeking out from under the covers when we walk in the am, I still feel it. Charlotte tells Lance when her preferred method of morning wake up is a feet tickle, or something else.
Monday, August 4, 2014
About the joy
I have a hard time sustaining a positive mood these days. Some of it may be due to the depression I know I've suffered since I was a teen, but some of it are circumstances outside of me. In either case, I am not in control quite yet.
We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake. The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot. I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one. 25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking.
We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives. Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories. I love this hike. And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward. I didn't this time...feet only. We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia. Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one. But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.
A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.
I feel guilt a lot. Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7. When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things. I want to let go of all of this, for them.
Dear God. Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.
We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake. The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot. I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one. 25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking.
We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives. Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories. I love this hike. And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward. I didn't this time...feet only. We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia. Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one. But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.
A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.
I feel guilt a lot. Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7. When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things. I want to let go of all of this, for them.
Dear God. Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Gratitude
Oh, gratitude, I need you now. I have been on hiatus, obviously. And that has not helped.
I am grateful for old friends like the ones I met up with last night. Karen is now in town from Chicago and Tracy came up from St. Simons Island. We sat on the terrace with our kids and I got a really nice photo of Charlotte and Jessica on the big union chair. I am grateful for connections. And for where we are now, with our families, evolved from the days of finals and papers and crazy college goings on.
Look at these two! Precious!!
And, my firstborn...still full of a spirit we will never stifle. Stay spirited Natalie!
I am grateful for old friends like the ones I met up with last night. Karen is now in town from Chicago and Tracy came up from St. Simons Island. We sat on the terrace with our kids and I got a really nice photo of Charlotte and Jessica on the big union chair. I am grateful for connections. And for where we are now, with our families, evolved from the days of finals and papers and crazy college goings on.
Look at these two! Precious!!
And, my firstborn...still full of a spirit we will never stifle. Stay spirited Natalie!
Friday, June 13, 2014
8 is great!
My baby turned eight on Monday. I had to travel this week (am in MA right now) but I was fortunate enough to be home on Monday and Tuesday and spent the days with the girls.
Charlotte is really an amazing kid. I have learned so much from her. I have learned to forgive and let things go when I instinctually would just go in with my assumptions and question people and things. She rolls with things and sticks up for herself as well. She is growing in confidence and is smart. She overcame some reading delays in first grade and did a stellar job in second grade. She is a growing reader and was so pleased with herself upon getting 100s on most of her spelling tests. She would love to have a little sibling and dotes on her little cousins. She is so kind.
She is fearless on the soccer field. She works hard at gymnastics. She loves her sister and gets sad when she's sad. She has a lot of empathy, like when a classmate broke her leg two weeks ago...she wanted to see her and help and just be there.
I am so incredibly blessed to have a daughter like her. She is truly one of a kind. My love for her and her sister is fierce. I hpe to raiser her to be happy, healthy, whole and to always be true to herself. I love her amazing spirit.
Charlotte is really an amazing kid. I have learned so much from her. I have learned to forgive and let things go when I instinctually would just go in with my assumptions and question people and things. She rolls with things and sticks up for herself as well. She is growing in confidence and is smart. She overcame some reading delays in first grade and did a stellar job in second grade. She is a growing reader and was so pleased with herself upon getting 100s on most of her spelling tests. She would love to have a little sibling and dotes on her little cousins. She is so kind.
She is fearless on the soccer field. She works hard at gymnastics. She loves her sister and gets sad when she's sad. She has a lot of empathy, like when a classmate broke her leg two weeks ago...she wanted to see her and help and just be there.
I am so incredibly blessed to have a daughter like her. She is truly one of a kind. My love for her and her sister is fierce. I hpe to raiser her to be happy, healthy, whole and to always be true to herself. I love her amazing spirit.
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