Not sure how this worked out, but it did

We had teacher conferences last night.  Our first one was with Charlotte's teacher, Mrs. B.  I had a couple email conversations with her and also a couple in-person ones when I chaperoned the field trip and when I showed up for the 3rd Grade Halloween party.  I knew how fond she was of Charlotte so I thought things would go pretty well.  Mrs. B is an exceptional teacher.  During Iowa tests, she would tell the kids "I just love you so much and don't want you to feel any stress."  Or, "these tests are only a report card for your school.  it does not matter how you do."  I mean, someone who finally gets how useless standardized tests are?!  Oh, how I longed for this day.  Mrs. B is just amazing.  And what is incredible to me is that she thinks my kid is amazing.  She said "Charlotte makes me stop and remember what is important...to be kind, to work hard, to be happy."   She said Charlotte always puts in the best effort and said she had basically nothing to critique her on.  We discussed her reading...since Charlotte did have some tutoring in first grade and last summer.  She's right on track.  Her writing?  It is evolving as it should.  Charlotte also loves math and makes no secret about it to us or to Mrs. B.  Mrs. B actually said she "feels blessed" to have Charlotte in her class.  Yes, my eyes welled up during out 15 minute time slot, several times.


Then, it was onto middle school. All the teachers were sitting at tables in the gym for optional check ins.  We walked in and were greeted by the school principal.  I am not a fan of hers.   I have gotten conflicting information from her.  To be fair, she seems to try her best but she comes off as phony and a coverer of the ass which maybe is the MO for all principals, but I think we can do better.  Especially at $350/month per kid.  We got our religious ed envelope and Lance was friendly with her and we walked on to the center waiting chars surrounded by a perimeter of teachers.   First, we went to see Mrs. F.  She is a very strict math teacher whose reputation precedes her.  Natalie is afraid of her.  I've heard that kids that come out of SMG are typically very prepared for freshman year, especially in math.  I say, keep doing what you are doing.  She told us that Natalie does very good work and is quiet (?!-translation: afraid of her) and then she refreshed herself on the grade she gave her (an A-) and confirmed that she's doing very well.  I chatted with the Spanish teacher a bit...doing well, received A.  We then stopped over by her homeroom/creative writing/lit teacher who told us that Natalie is "an awesome kid, an awesome student."  She is enthusiastic and works hard and takes a small idea and turns it into a creative story and is his go-to for information on anything related to Greek Mythology and always has a smile on her face.  I thanked him for helping guide her in one of life's most valuable skills (which I haven't mastered), writing.  He agreed it was a very valuable skill.  Our last stop was at the table of history teacher, Mr. R.  Mr. R once told Charlotte on teacher swap day that he knew some people from FDL with our (odd, from the old country) last name.  C was thrilled since she has had the burden of a phonetically incorrect LONG last name, along with a nine letter first name.  So, Mr. R told us that when Natalie first started Kindergarten, he was waiting to ask if we knew the R families he knew from FDL.  They were neighbor's, as Mr R described, "good Catholics."  Haha.  No doubt, this is why Lance, his mom, dad, etc. had no knowledge of these people with the same, obscure family name.  My in laws were more of the scam artist persuasion than anything having to do with Catholics.  Plus, Lance's dad blamed his rough, abusive childhood on his dad and mom's affiliation with the C church.  Yes, there is a thread of victim mentality that runs through the in laws, even today.  Not that Lance's in laws are anything to model but seriously...  So, Mr. R then went on to ask us about Natalie's love for Greek Mythology and said they will be studying Indian culture next and then on to Roman empire (which Natalie also loves) and just loves Natalie's hard work and enthusiasm and told us to keep up the good work.    Natalie loves history and said earlier this year she is thinking of majoring in history.  Thank YOU, Mr. R.


So, L and me.  How did we manage to birth these two solid learners with a strong moral compass. I mean, I am not one of those people who can comfortably rewrite history...I was a horrible student.  I had no teachers who inspired me.  I had a mentally ill PE teacher who was also my volleyball coach and she loathed me.  She really was mentally ill...she was committed when I was a freshman in high school.  I had a second grade teacher who I was so afraid of that I waited uncomfortably for about a half hour until I went into the third grade for my reading group to tell that teacher I had to throw up and then promptly did.  Unfortunately, the third grade teacher had left the next year when I would have had her full time.  I controlled my vomit to avoid the pyscho, ex nun I had for second grade who used to belittle and call me names. There were random teachers I liked but no one who I really felt inspired by or that they were at all invested in me.  I liked English so those teachers were always tolerable.  PE teachers typically hated me and my loving aunt Mary Beth told me (she majored in PE) was that PE teachers do not like students who aren't athletic.  MB always gave me great affirmations throughout my life...like when she told me not to become part of the statistic my friends and I came up with (10% of the girls in the KHS class of '87 became pregnant).  I mean, obviously, people really believed in me growing up!  I did not have the balls to tell my lovely aunt that me and my one friend were in the VC (virgin club) unlike the rest of our little clique of 12 more promiscuous seniors.  My parents tried to send me to flight attendant school even though I wanted to and did go to college.  I saw them not provide the assistance to my older, smarter brother who was in college at the time but had to take at least a year off b/c my parents pulled the rug out from under him so I pretty much knew my average self would be funding my own college experience.  This was despite the fact that my dad threatened to pull his (ultimately non existant) financial support if I took a higher paying life guard job in my high school hometown over the small town he made us move to (and almost made me go to school in) my senior year. 


Lance had it a little better.  He was the baby of the family and his mom, when she wasn't sleeping in while he got his second grade self off to school, doted on him during her waking hours.  He was a pretty good student and in his "autobiography" project for sixth grade, he quoted his mom as saying he was a "perfect specimen."  So he has a more positive inner dialog than I do but still...shady at times.  One time, we were attending a wedding of some guy who dropped out of our high school.  This fine young man's drunk dad came up to Lance at the wedding and grabbed him by the yoke, accusing him of making his kid a loser by teaching him how to grow pot at the age of 10.  Yeah, that was a classy night.  So, the kids do get the smarts from L and maybe my latent brain capabilities that were dormant under the crazy house I grew up in (my dad used to call us names all the time..."you are such a round head" (never did figure out what this meant) or "you are the dumbest" and my mom used to expect me to be her mother's helper to the more adored younger kids.  It was, with her, kind of an introduction to mean girl interactions, really.  The pictures I took with the working camera I bought were never good enough for her. Missy was playing with matches and almost burned down our house that Troy had to be rescued from and, despite my mom and I both being home, somehow this was my 12 year old self's fault?  It was crazy.  Hard to identify as a good person much less a smart one.


There is also the athleticism.  Natalie is showing major skills in volleyball, basketball, soccer and any sport she tries really.  This is much to the chagrin of the typical, competitive parochial school parent along with those who think their tiny 10 year old will yield them a Division 1 scholarship.  Charlotte has been doing cartwheels and full splits since Kindergarten and also is lauded for her soccer abilities.  She is starting bball in January.  This makes more sense.  Lance's bro Kim did receive the only full ride athletic scholarship KHS was ever offered for one of their students to UW well before my time there and still to this day (1972 was the year, I believe).  He did blow it spectacularly and spent years in a drug and alcohol fueled victimhood mode (which his family also echoed) so I did have to get Lance excited about sports and the genes he gave his kids.  Lance also was very impressive the one year he committed to the football team and probably was the best volleyball player at the multitude of games we played at our hs grad parties.  So, those genes are more direct than my bench warmin' high school basketball year.


I am so grateful to God for Natalie and Charlotte and whatever combination we came up with that made them who they are.  I know my parents didn't have very many good interactions with my teachers at conferences as I was often grounded post conference.  We are truly blessed to have these two amazing kids.  I am abundantly grateful and pray for their continued grace and well being.  Thank you, God!

What I really want to say...

What I really want to say is that I am so proud to be Natalie and Charlotte's mom.  Natalie, with athletic skills I don't possess and fearless on the volleyball court... growing into a confident tween so quickly.  Charlotte, with athletic skills I don't possess and a tireless, fearless soccer player despite her somewhat insane coach and a myriad of other people who I have to bite my tongue for, keeps her cool...always.  They want to do their own thing, but still seek my guidance.  Natalie's homework is getting intense, and she follows the rules.  She does work ahead of time and is very conscientious.  Charlotte works hard and with a confidence I don't recall ever having at her age.


They are amazing.

Yesterday, you went to camp

We took the girls off to their first sleepover camp, ever.  It's just two nights...a mini session for the sisters.  When we got there, we discovered there was another set of sisters there and they aren't always the nicest classmates.  I hope and pray that you are having fun, and learning and growing and that the mean girls have turned a new leaf over the summer.  I SO wish I could make life easier in this regard, or tell you that mean girls grow up to be nice and this is just a phase.


You are learning life lessons. 


All I know is that you cannot control others.  Good manners and good listening will get you far.


And daddy is pretty worried.  He wished he would have snuck that cell phone in your bags, or at least the Ipod for texting.  Both are frowned upon at camp.


We haven't gotten an email and my server is blocking the photo site.


We will see you tomorrow afternoon at 4:30.   And be anxious until that moment, hopefully unnecessarily.   


We close on our house in four days.


We go to St Germain in six days!


17 more days until school starts!  It will be a good year for both my girls...we will will it to be. 

the madness

My husband is shaming me in front of the kids (he loves to do this).  This time, it's about fruit flies and a clean house.  As I was scrubbing the nooks and crannies behind the counter that never get reached in an attempt to cover all surfaces, he walked by and said "I think I need to hire a cleaning lady."  WTF.  My choices are to react (and I've done this, sadly) or ignore and show the kids the high road (or show them a passive mama).


He does the wash like a factory worker.  And he bitches the whole time.  I still remember when we moved into our first place and he moved on from coin-op machines.  He pushed his way into laundry duty.  The problem is, the laundry never seems to get done until I get in there to cover it.  Still, he walks around like some martyr victim who has to do laundry.


They all act like victims.  His brother who lost his full ride scholarship in 1973 to play football at UW...well that was the fault of sports.  The fact that he was on a cocaine binge and got into a physical fight with a coach has nothing to do with it.  The poor estranged spouses that riddle his family...it's all their ex's fault. 


How do I fight this?  The girls are still smart and caring and interested but WTF am I going to do with this ongoing BS that I will never, ever stop?  I've suggested he think globally...real issues, lack of clean water, violence in the middle east affecting innocent families, etc.  All to no avail.  It's a singular mind he was raised, on the compound, where the whole world is at fault.  There is no undoing of that.


He is also very good at making it look like he is doing all the household work and I am just with this job that requires travel 6 times a year and woe is him has to pick up the kids at school with the mom out of town.  I had to work, we needed the income. It's like the mommy wars in our own household.  His job allows him to work two hour days if he wants, or skip out all together. 


I can't do this anymore.  There is no rhyme or reason and there certainly aren't going to be any winners. 

Gratitude

I am grateful for my girls' feet.  They had the best, most edible baby feet that I miss.  But when they are peeking out from under the covers when we walk in the am, I still feel it.  Charlotte tells Lance when her preferred method of morning wake up is a feet tickle, or something else.

About the joy

I have a hard time sustaining a positive mood these days.  Some of it may be due to the depression I know I've suffered since I was a teen, but some of it are circumstances outside of me.  In either case, I am not in control quite yet.


We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake.  The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot.  I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one.  25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking. 


We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives.  Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories.  I love this hike.  And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward.  I didn't this time...feet only.  We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia.  Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one.  But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.


A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.


I feel guilt a lot.  Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7.   When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things.   I want to let go of all of this, for them. 


Dear God.  Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.

Gratitude

Oh, gratitude, I need you now.  I have been on hiatus, obviously.   And that has not helped.


I am grateful for old friends like the ones I met up with last night.  Karen is now in town from Chicago and Tracy came up from St. Simons Island.  We sat on the terrace with our kids and I got a really nice photo of Charlotte and Jessica on the big union chair.  I am grateful for connections.  And for where we are now, with our families, evolved from the days of finals and papers and crazy college goings on.


Look at these two!  Precious!!




And, my firstborn...still full of a spirit we will never stifle.  Stay spirited Natalie!