My husband is shaming me in front of the kids (he loves to do this). This time, it's about fruit flies and a clean house. As I was scrubbing the nooks and crannies behind the counter that never get reached in an attempt to cover all surfaces, he walked by and said "I think I need to hire a cleaning lady." WTF. My choices are to react (and I've done this, sadly) or ignore and show the kids the high road (or show them a passive mama).
He does the wash like a factory worker. And he bitches the whole time. I still remember when we moved into our first place and he moved on from coin-op machines. He pushed his way into laundry duty. The problem is, the laundry never seems to get done until I get in there to cover it. Still, he walks around like some martyr victim who has to do laundry.
They all act like victims. His brother who lost his full ride scholarship in 1973 to play football at UW...well that was the fault of sports. The fact that he was on a cocaine binge and got into a physical fight with a coach has nothing to do with it. The poor estranged spouses that riddle his family...it's all their ex's fault.
How do I fight this? The girls are still smart and caring and interested but WTF am I going to do with this ongoing BS that I will never, ever stop? I've suggested he think globally...real issues, lack of clean water, violence in the middle east affecting innocent families, etc. All to no avail. It's a singular mind he was raised, on the compound, where the whole world is at fault. There is no undoing of that.
He is also very good at making it look like he is doing all the household work and I am just with this job that requires travel 6 times a year and woe is him has to pick up the kids at school with the mom out of town. I had to work, we needed the income. It's like the mommy wars in our own household. His job allows him to work two hour days if he wants, or skip out all together.
I can't do this anymore. There is no rhyme or reason and there certainly aren't going to be any winners.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Gratitude
I am grateful for my girls' feet. They had the best, most edible baby feet that I miss. But when they are peeking out from under the covers when we walk in the am, I still feel it. Charlotte tells Lance when her preferred method of morning wake up is a feet tickle, or something else.
Monday, August 4, 2014
About the joy
I have a hard time sustaining a positive mood these days. Some of it may be due to the depression I know I've suffered since I was a teen, but some of it are circumstances outside of me. In either case, I am not in control quite yet.
We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake. The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot. I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one. 25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking.
We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives. Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories. I love this hike. And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward. I didn't this time...feet only. We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia. Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one. But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.
A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.
I feel guilt a lot. Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7. When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things. I want to let go of all of this, for them.
Dear God. Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.
We went hiking and swimming at Devil's Lake. The place was packed and it was hard to find a parking spot. I did find one, Lance didn't want to have a showdown with the guy from IL who was also honing in on it so we had to drive around some more to find one. 25 minutes after entering, we were parked and headed up to the East Bluff trail for some hiking.
We've been taking the girls to Devil's Lake for all of their lives. Baby Charlotte in a carrier, little Natalie running up the rock steps...so many pics and memories. I love this hike. And, in August, it is typically warm enough for even me to jump in the lake afterward. I didn't this time...feet only. We brought along our garbage bag full of sand toys that made its way to many lakes, and even to coastal Georgia. Charlotte was really wanting a floaty thing to lay on and when I brought the bag over, she found a Dora one. But, that is not cool so she turned it over and I watched her and Natalie stretch out and enjoy the lake from a Dora raft, turned upside down.
A walking stick, a rock cave, a sand structure...they are all about the joy of nature and I am so lucky that I can see all of this through their eyes.
I feel guilt a lot. Because I am a mom and because I was raised to feel guilty 24-7. When I work harder at mindfulness and meditation and undoing these negative tracks in my mind, I am mostly inspired by my kids, and how they experience pure joy in the smallest of things. I want to let go of all of this, for them.
Dear God. Please help me find my way and help me get out of my way.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Gratitude
Oh, gratitude, I need you now. I have been on hiatus, obviously. And that has not helped.
I am grateful for old friends like the ones I met up with last night. Karen is now in town from Chicago and Tracy came up from St. Simons Island. We sat on the terrace with our kids and I got a really nice photo of Charlotte and Jessica on the big union chair. I am grateful for connections. And for where we are now, with our families, evolved from the days of finals and papers and crazy college goings on.
Look at these two! Precious!!
And, my firstborn...still full of a spirit we will never stifle. Stay spirited Natalie!
I am grateful for old friends like the ones I met up with last night. Karen is now in town from Chicago and Tracy came up from St. Simons Island. We sat on the terrace with our kids and I got a really nice photo of Charlotte and Jessica on the big union chair. I am grateful for connections. And for where we are now, with our families, evolved from the days of finals and papers and crazy college goings on.
Look at these two! Precious!!
And, my firstborn...still full of a spirit we will never stifle. Stay spirited Natalie!
Friday, June 13, 2014
8 is great!
My baby turned eight on Monday. I had to travel this week (am in MA right now) but I was fortunate enough to be home on Monday and Tuesday and spent the days with the girls.
Charlotte is really an amazing kid. I have learned so much from her. I have learned to forgive and let things go when I instinctually would just go in with my assumptions and question people and things. She rolls with things and sticks up for herself as well. She is growing in confidence and is smart. She overcame some reading delays in first grade and did a stellar job in second grade. She is a growing reader and was so pleased with herself upon getting 100s on most of her spelling tests. She would love to have a little sibling and dotes on her little cousins. She is so kind.
She is fearless on the soccer field. She works hard at gymnastics. She loves her sister and gets sad when she's sad. She has a lot of empathy, like when a classmate broke her leg two weeks ago...she wanted to see her and help and just be there.
I am so incredibly blessed to have a daughter like her. She is truly one of a kind. My love for her and her sister is fierce. I hpe to raiser her to be happy, healthy, whole and to always be true to herself. I love her amazing spirit.
Charlotte is really an amazing kid. I have learned so much from her. I have learned to forgive and let things go when I instinctually would just go in with my assumptions and question people and things. She rolls with things and sticks up for herself as well. She is growing in confidence and is smart. She overcame some reading delays in first grade and did a stellar job in second grade. She is a growing reader and was so pleased with herself upon getting 100s on most of her spelling tests. She would love to have a little sibling and dotes on her little cousins. She is so kind.
She is fearless on the soccer field. She works hard at gymnastics. She loves her sister and gets sad when she's sad. She has a lot of empathy, like when a classmate broke her leg two weeks ago...she wanted to see her and help and just be there.
I am so incredibly blessed to have a daughter like her. She is truly one of a kind. My love for her and her sister is fierce. I hpe to raiser her to be happy, healthy, whole and to always be true to herself. I love her amazing spirit.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Gratitude
I am grateful for the opportunity to work in the Radiation Oncology QA field. It's easier to be a sales rep/account manager when you are a part of a solution. Even though some of the politics and internal craziness and time away from home bugs me, there is a good and real truth behind this work.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Maya - from the web
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.*
Maya Angelou has passed and I'm left with a feeling of deep sadness but also with gratitude. Reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings as a young person had a profound impact on me, as she wrote about things I'd never experienced and yet I was the same age as those in the book. Like all of her work, it challenged me, expanded my mind and was relatable and yet unknowable.
To see her speak was to see a woman with such presence, such depth - the embodiment of dignity and inner strength. She commanded attention - when she spoke you simply couldn't look away.
Her legacy is strong and shall provide inspiration for years to come, as she was both a woman of her time and also timeless.
She has spoken and written so many important words, but here are 10 of my favorite short quotes:
1. The only thing is, people have to develop courage. It is most important of all the virtues. Because without courage, you can't practice any other virtues consistently.
2. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
3. Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.
4. Those of us who submitted or surrendered our ideas and dreams and identities to the 'leaders' must take back our rights, our identities, our responsibilities.
5. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
6. All of us knows, not what is expedient, not what is going to make us popular, not what the policy is, or the company policy - but in truth each of us knows what is the right thing to do. And that's how I am guided.
7. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good.
8. All men are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened.
9. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be
10. Whatever you want to do, if you want to be great at it, you have to love it and be able to make sacrifices for it.
As usual, I've found that 10 was not enough. Here are 6 more:
11. The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free.
12. One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.
13. I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.
14. I am grateful to be a woman. I must have done something great in another life.
15. At 50, I began to know who I was. It was like waking up to myself.
16. How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
Maya Angeou embraced life and gave a lesson in how to do that well:
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.*
Maya Angelou has passed and I'm left with a feeling of deep sadness but also with gratitude. Reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings as a young person had a profound impact on me, as she wrote about things I'd never experienced and yet I was the same age as those in the book. Like all of her work, it challenged me, expanded my mind and was relatable and yet unknowable.
To see her speak was to see a woman with such presence, such depth - the embodiment of dignity and inner strength. She commanded attention - when she spoke you simply couldn't look away.
Her legacy is strong and shall provide inspiration for years to come, as she was both a woman of her time and also timeless.
She has spoken and written so many important words, but here are 10 of my favorite short quotes:
1. The only thing is, people have to develop courage. It is most important of all the virtues. Because without courage, you can't practice any other virtues consistently.
2. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
3. Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.
4. Those of us who submitted or surrendered our ideas and dreams and identities to the 'leaders' must take back our rights, our identities, our responsibilities.
5. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
6. All of us knows, not what is expedient, not what is going to make us popular, not what the policy is, or the company policy - but in truth each of us knows what is the right thing to do. And that's how I am guided.
7. I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere. For a change, start by speaking to people rather than walking by them like they're stones that don't matter. As long as you're breathing, it's never too late to do some good.
8. All men are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened.
9. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be
10. Whatever you want to do, if you want to be great at it, you have to love it and be able to make sacrifices for it.
As usual, I've found that 10 was not enough. Here are 6 more:
11. The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free.
12. One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.
13. I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.
14. I am grateful to be a woman. I must have done something great in another life.
15. At 50, I began to know who I was. It was like waking up to myself.
16. How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
Maya Angeou embraced life and gave a lesson in how to do that well:
What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good.When Nelson Mandela passed, Maya Angelou tweeted: "We thank him for coming, we thank him for teaching, we thank him for loving us." Now we can say the same thing about Maya Angelou herself.
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