The one who inspires

Inspired by Natalie and the work of other more detailed bloggers she sees me enjoy, I write tonight.  Natalie tells me to post and put photos on my blog more often.  I wish I was more confident but I know the only way out is through so, my dear, I will try.

Tonight, I was impatient with you because in your summer daze of late nights and busy days you are a bit off schedule.  You hardly went to KJ these last few weeks and when you did, you usually strolled in around 9 with daddy.  You tried to fight the sleep I could see was missing from your eyes today as I dragged you around to shop for last minute add ons for the school year.  Things we really didn't even need but it was my lame attempt to get out today and do some things.  You came in and asked if you could help me fold laundry, I wisked you off to bed.  You may have wanted to talk about something or just be close but it was 9:30 and I regret that I favored that over getting to know you even better while we fold clothes.  You really want to get on this allowance thing too but mostly, you want to help around the house.  You are almost 9 and you are trying so hard.

I am going to go up and give you a kiss and tell you I'm sorry for being impatient at bedtime.  You are such a sweet soul.  You are growing up before my eyes.  I am so proud of you and I am sorry I don't always take the time.  I love you for all that you are, NG.

Back from BC

So glad to be back on a Saturday night in my own bed with my lil family!

Vancouver was beeeautiful!  We stayed right on the water.  I wrote more in my daily journal but V, BC is a pretty awesome place.  Will definitely go back someday.

How to charm me

Last night when Charlotte crawled into bed with me as she's been doing a lot lately, she secured her small hand on my forearm and drifted off to sleep.  It reminded me of her baby years.  My five year old.

Limitations

Natalie noticed I was once again checking in with Enjoying the Small Things, one of the best Mamablogs out there.  She's seen it before, and asks why I read THAT, instead of writing in my own blog.  I told her I'm always inspired with the words and the photography.  She said so you copy her ideas?  I kind of fancy myself a photographer after seeing her work and then looking more into what I can do with my own limited equipment, and want to get back to the writing I long ago abandoned when I moved from public relations work to admissions and then to sales.

Natalie is right.  She has a handle on life sometimes and wisdom that flashes through her babytalk she sometimes still uses for security, or as she says "to be cute."  Girl, you are ADORABLE without changing your voice.  Plus, your speech therapist is calling for a moratorium on the baby talk so...

I guess I should be writing more when I'm feeling down, or confused, or hopeless but I really need to get past the limitations.  There's a lot going on right now and I don't necessarily put words to it in the proper context.   But, I'll some it up somewhat and maybe it will provide much needed therapy.  It's effing hard to be a working mom, it's hard on me, it's hard on the kids, and it's hard on my husband who tends to make everything about him.  Being pulled in all directions is like a cliche and I realized awhile back that balance is an illusion.  A quote from The Road Less Traveled was on the aformentioned fab Mama blog that goes something to the effect, "life is hard.  and once you truly embrace and realize that fact, you will find peace" or something like that.  I've lived it.  I've known it.  My mom and dad are out of their minds but living in a 1950s mindset where you don't talk about or admit to those things, and, my mom especially, will completely by default remain ignorant to any issue I try to address.  They break my heart.  And my siblings.  It's hard to grow up in a home where really, the only thing going on was turmoil and chaos and avoidance.  I've figured that out.  I made the mistake of going to somewhat elaborate lengths to get my mom here for Natalie's Grandparent's Day last April and Natalie still recoils at a single incident, which I thoughtfully asked my mom about, and she of course...duh Michelle, pleaded ignorance.  They are not evil/write off for life parents, they just don't want the help they desperately need and have since I can remember.  The huge gray area has always been a stumbling block for me and for how I let others treat me.

I am not at liberty to discuss how messed up Lance's family is.

I feel alone right now with some big decisions to make and wonder how I will do it...alone.

I thank God every day for my girls and how they have transformed me in so many ways but I need to make some decisions for us, as a family. We need to move forward in health and I pray for the ability to make that happen. 

Young athlete

Natalie got a base hit for every at bat last night in her softball game!  The firebombs are undefeated too!

She also got a goal in each of her last two soccer games.

Pretty good for coming from my gene pool. ;)

Stream of Consciousness

I miss Charlotte and Natalie when I travel for work.  I have spent 8 years feeling guilty with every trip, which is totally irrational.  Charlotte cried when I dropped her off at summer camp because she knew I was heading to the airport.  But, when I talked to her today she couldn't have been more cheery and happy. To say that we're a working family repeatedly but not live it is just, no way to live.  They are fine...daddy gave them the day off summer camp, spoiling them...he'll be a good Grandpop if he is ever so blessed.  They are happy and good and smart and kind.  I just love them so fiercely. 

Charlotte is a dancer.  She likes to boogie and maybe we'll revisit dance again.  She is also taking some karate classes through summer camp and seems to take a shine to that too.   Hmm.  I will talk to her when she is a, OMG, Kindergartener and see what she thinks.

Piano!  Want to introduce piano into Natalie's life if she's into an hour of practice every night.  We'll see.

Nanny?  For next year on Tues and Thurs after school?  Or will Lance adjust his schedule to accommodate those pick ups?  Need to figure that out.

I feel burdened by a lack of continuity and normalcy with my girls' grandparents.  I just wish they would have peace, and a little more sanity, maybe?  It is just so cliche to complain about parents and in laws. So juvenile.  I need to bring closure to that clutter in my head and move it along.  Who has time?  The biggest help I could give myself (and therefore others) is to face the reality, there is going to be no change on the grandparent's front.   I need to break the mind cycle. 

Love and light is what I will spread.  In order to do that, I need to keep a regular work out schedule.  It is my goal to use the hotel gym here in Boulder every day while I'm here, since, um, there is nothing else to do but work and eat.  Oh, I did do some shopping too...the Talbots down the street is closing so I got some conference clothes on the cheap!  Woo!

Goodnight from far away, my babies.  Mama loves.

Summertime

Charlotte had her preschool graduation on Thursday night.  When she got her diploma, she paused and stood right on the photo X and smiled to the crowd, and smiled to her mama, whose camera was out of battery.  :(  Her charm is engraved in my brain.

Natalie had her last day of 2nd grade on Friday.  She got an awesome report card, as per all year.  She is so conscientious and bright.  She worked hard all year. We had an fantastic afternoon at Devil's Lake to celebrate our little student.  The water was perfectly cold and free of swimmers itch bacterei. 
I have yet to see a more beautiful place in Wisconsin.

Natalie scored a goal yeseterday in her soccer game, too!

Gorettifest today...